I have a new bf his name is jordan ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,HES HHHOOOTTT!!!
It was ugly outside. It wasnt too cold or anything but it was wet and windy. Not your typical southern california weather; definitely a nice change.
Spent the day watching wild card weekend football. i dont really like seattle so i was really hoping for a good washington comeback but nope, not this year. Jacksonville spanked Pittsburg. Tomorrow, baby. Tomorrow.
Steven called me. I really wish I could've spent some time with him this weekend. He's been on call and had to work in the office this weekend. Said he wished he could be watching football with me. But next weekend, he has off. He said he was going to pay so much attention to me. I cannot wait!!!
He mentioned that he ran into a woman who wants to set him up with a friend of hers. I'm not completely sure why he told me, but when i said.. "yea, and?" he said that he was trying to find a way to get out of it, and that he didnt need to be set up. Guess thats a good thing for me! =D
流动的爱
周六午饭后,我和敦敦谈起难度很深的一个话题, '爱' 应该如何量化?
我们每个人的生活都离不开爱的滋润,我问敦敦应该如何度量一个人的 '爱' .敦敦阐述了他自己的看法: "每个母亲都用自己的方式爱自己的孩子,但这些爱并不都能被孩子感受得到,每个孩子能感受到的那一部份母爱是母爱的有效成分.妈妈,您曾经告诉过我, 一潭不流动的水是要发臭的.因此,光接受爱是不够的,要能够付出爱,完成爱的有效循环才能反映出这一个人爱的总流量." 敦敦此话一出,我顿时觉得很有收获.亲子关系质量的关键是爱的循环总量.
无论是亲子之爱,夫妻之爱,还是朋友之爱,爱的循环都是动态的能量循环,其中的能量投射,能量负荷,催化过程,能量转化,能量升级和再释放,很适合用生物化学和量子力学的原理来解释.所谓动态循环是指这循环是有条件的和不等量的,爱的付出和获得并不一定成正比,被爱的人未必懂得如何付出爱.盲目的爱往往其有效性差,不一定能够被感受到, 有效的爱才能转化成能够发散的爱的能量源.比如母爱本身就是个有针对性的投射和催化过程.把孩子内心的爱的能量储备通过母爱转化成孩子爱别人的能量源.在孩子个性成长过程中,这个能量源与各种外界因素发生作用完成爱的能量飞跃,不光只爱自己的家人,应该能够付出大爱从而达到爱的至高境界.
泛化地讲,这种能量的动态循环可以波及到许多人.例如,很多成人的行为问题都可以追朔到童年的母爱缺失,不是他的母亲不爱孩子,而是其母爱的有效成分不多.孩子无法感受到,孩子长大后容易患上 '爱饥渴症',这种孩子对别人的要求多,渴望受到别人的关注.情感不稳定,对别人的爱很容易产生怀疑和不安全感,在与自己的孩子的互动过程中也很难完成爱的有效循环,爱循环不好的人脸色差,因为我们的血管里不仅流着血,而且还淌着爱.
Cory called to tell Jett happy birthday this morning but Jett was too busy with friends so he called back when we got home from Applebees. Of coarse, then I got to talk to him for about 30 min. It was so nice to talk to him,,, we discussed issues. We hadn't actually"talked" since the 31st. I told him how I realize I have an anger issue about Donnie and how I throw my little fits when I don't get my way and I realize I need to change NOW and I need help. I guess his way of being supportive is just not saying much that makes me think he "approves" with what I said. I told him that I want to change and I wish he'd try to work on his communication and passion issues and then IF we can love eachother for who we areincluding our quirks then the distance and "Where" we live shouldn't be an issue, If we truly love eachother then that's all we need is LOVE and the rest will work itself out! He agreed but I don't know that we will ever get to that point. I am scared we won't but I hope and pray we can. I miss him so much and I told him that! I also said, I hope when we are ready to try it again I hope he is still available! I am scared he'll move on, which is bad of me to say because he deserves to be happy and I've already said, He'd probably be happier without me! Agh! I am such a brat! and right now, I am a depressed BRAT! I feel so lonely and lost! My stomach feels "icky" most of the time and if other people aren't around I am like on the verge of crying all the time! I miss him and I guess I miss DB too! But yet I am still mad at DB!
I am so thankful for my Jett and Oakley! I need to remember to go love on them and get attention from them when I am sad and lonley.... I still have them! and THANKS God for my precious boys!
Jett had a good time with his friends but I think he is pretty tired today! After his 2friends left (last one at 11:30) I took a shower and we went to Applebees with Jay, San and A.The service sucked and the food wasn't so hot but it wascool to see Jett get imbarressed when they came and sang Happy Birthday to him!O is still being a pill. He was naughty all morning. Then when we got home he ran in the deep, dirty snow and then continued to run from me when i told him to get in the house. He knew the rule (need snow boots and snowpants to run in snow) we've disscussed so many times!So, he went to brown chair,,, and he was there a LONG time because his time didn't start until he was quiet and not messing around so that took FOREVER (over 20 mins.)!
This morning Jett said, "Mom, I am NOT 6! I looked in the mirror and I don't look any bigger! AM I really 6?" I answered, YES YOU REALLY ARE 6. You were 6 at 3:28 this morning." I shared with him all about his birth story. He thought that was cool.
Over all I think Jett had a good birthday! He still gets to open 2 presents, one from me and the tackle box from Cory! THANK YOU LORD for myJetter! I love him sossooooo much!
I have no idea of what to write, and still, I've got tons of homework to do, and I'm soon going back to school. My vacation days are practically over. I can't believe it. It's like time flies, and you don't even see it pass by. I just wish that vacations would seem to last longer, and school days to be shorter. Some thing like that. Cause, even though I sometimes can't find anything to do at home, I like it a little better than school. Don't take it for wrong. I don't hate high school, I actually like it better than Middle School. Even though it's more than twice the homework, and everything. Never mind I don't even know what was best. But anyways, I wish there were more days of this vacation.
Well, I'm not going to bore you anymore with my nonsense. I don't even know what I'm writing right now. Anyways gotta go, time's running out, and gotta do my homework, or busted. My geometry teacher gives like twice the homework any other High School teacher gives. And since it also takes me like the whole afternoon just to do his homework, I have not much time left for myself anymore.
Today was rough. The long drive kills me. I thought a whole lot about smoking a ciggy, and i thought a whole lot about just stopping at a gas station or 7-11 to buy a pack. But i stayed strong; sucked on a DumDum instead. They seem to last just the right amount of time without me really having to bite it. it seems to be working so far...
Steven called me a bunch today.. it was totally cute. He was stuck at the office filling out paperwork and wanted to hear my voice so he says. I admitted to missing him... which i totally do. But I think its awesome that he calls me even tho he's super busy with work. It makes me really realize that maybe he's really into me. He has told me that he doesnt want me to think that he's ever ignoring me. And I totally dont think that at all. I dont even call him, ever. I know he's busy so I just text message him and i figure he'll call me back when he gets the chance, right?
My 3 head hanchos called me today because they received my resignation letter. They want to keep me as on on-call technician. Steven told me I should ask for more pay if 'm going to be on call and not neccessarily be used, he's so smart. But things worked out how i wanted them to.. No buring bridges, and no hard feelings.
HUM! Another day in a daze! BUT I survived! I am tired!
Today I went to the Rec, worked out and talked to Darla for over 2 hours! It was good though... We discussed lots of stuff....our "looking older" needing botox and velasmooth, our naughty kids, our workout, CN and my issues, how about burned the house down and we both discovered we both have anger managment issues! I said we should go to a Anger support group.
Last night I searched the net about my symptoms of losing my temper and it all stemmed from Anger Managment. At first I thought, "I'm not angery, what would I have to be angry about?" But then I thought about it and my "raging fits" started when I had to start dealing with DB and his addiction,,, then got worse when he died,,, so I could be and still be MAD at him. THEN the website said people like me (and it described me to a tee) get mad at anything when it does go their way,,, I do expect everything to go my way or I get pissed! SO, I realize I have issues and hopefully I am figuring it out and how to deal with it.
Then we went to Jill's with lunch and to have a play date with Trevor. That was nice. Jill always has advice and was good to talk to.... she understands about my anger issue and always make my L and L refreshed when I leave her house. THANK YOU GOD FOR MY FRIENDS!
I miss Cory to night again,,, we texted but STILL haven't talked since Monday 12-31 I guess that hasn't even been a week but I haven't went this LONG without talking to him since I've known him which is about 17 months~ I miss him but maybe I will start realizing that I need to get my poop in a group before I try to go back to him! I don't even know if he will still be avaliable (or even want me back) when I am ready to give it another try! I guess that is the chance I have to take at this point.
O was SUPER naughty ALLLLL day! I guess he just had an off day but it really tested my patience today! I did BETTER but not perfect! I didn't hit him but did yell. Jett had his birthday party/sleepover tonight! They ( two extra boys, 4 total) were CRAZY at first, lots of running and screaming but I think that helped them to go to get tired out. I put them in Bed at 9:45 and they finally went to sleep at 10:20,,, which I think isn't too bad!
Well, I bet they will get up early so I better get to bed myself!
THANK YOU GOD for your Son Jesus!With You, all things are possible!
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cancermoonchild 45, Female, California, USA - 32 entries
